Understanding Bids for Connection
My niece introduced me to the concept of bids for connection. In her matron-of-honor speech at her sister’s wedding reception, she encouraged the brand-new spouses to practice this concept created by Dr. John Gottman.
Bids for connection are small gestures or attempts one person makes to connect with another. In personal relationships, these bids can be as simple as a smile, a question, or a request for attention. Gottman’s work primarily focuses on romantic relationships. However, this concept is equally powerful and relevant in the workplace, particularly in how leaders interact with their team members.
Bids for connection at work are displayed when a team member shares an idea, asks for feedback, or makes a casual comment during a meeting. A leader’s response to these bids significantly impacts the quality of relationships within the team.
When a leader acknowledges and positively responds to these bids, s/he is essentially saying, “I see you; I value you; and I’m interested in what you have to say.” This fosters trust, respect, and a sense of belonging among team members. Conversely, when a leader ignores or dismisses these bids, it can lead to feelings of rejection, disengagement, and eventually, a breakdown in communication.
Applying Bids for Connection in Leadership
In his research on married couples, Dr. Gottman predicted the odds of divorce for over 40,000 couples with 94% accuracy. He found that six years after the wedding, couples who stayed together turned toward one another 86% of the time compared to 33% for couples who got divorced.
Let’s turn this concept back to leaders in the workplace. To respond well to team members’ bids for connection, I encourage my clients to practice the following:
1. Listen actively and engage with your team members.
One of the simplest yet most effective ways a leader can respond to bids for connection is through active listening. When a team member speaks, whether it’s in a meeting or a casual conversation, the leader’s response matters. Nod, make eye contact, and provide thoughtful feedback. These actions signal that the team member’s bid for connection is received and valued.
For instance, if a team member shares an idea during a brainstorming session, a leader might respond with, “That’s a great idea; here’s what I specifically like about it. Now, let’s explore this further.” A response like this acknowledges the bid; it also encourages further contributions, which enhances the collaborative spirit within the team.
2. Encourage open communication.
Open communication inspires an environment where bids for connection are frequent and natural. This creates a culture where team members feel safe to express their thoughts, concerns, and ideas without fear of judgment or dismissal.
To foster open communication, schedule regular one-on-one meetings, practice spontaneous team check-ins, and promote an open-door policy. When team members know their leader is approachable and genuinely interested in their well-being and professional growth, they engage in conversation and make bids for connection.
3. Recognize and value contributions.
Another successful response to bids for connection is the practice of acknowledging and appreciating team members’ contributions. When a leader takes the time to recognize a team member’s hard work, it validates their efforts and reinforces the connection. This doesn’t always have to be in the form of public praise; even a simple thank-you note or a private word of encouragement goes a long way.
In recognizing contributions, leaders strengthen their relationship with individual team members and set a tone for the entire team. This promotes a culture of mutual respect and recognition.
4. Respond to non-verbal bids.
Not all bids for connection are verbal. A team member might make a bid through body language such as a smile, a sigh, or even a look of uncertainty. Leaders attuned to these non-verbal cues can respond in a way that strengthens the connection. For example, if a team member appears stressed or overwhelmed, a leader might offer support by saying, “I notice you seem a bit stressed today. How can I best support you?”
This type of response requires emotional intelligence and a genuine interest in the well-being of team members. It shows that the leader is not just focused on tasks and outcomes but also on the people who make those outcomes possible.
The Impact of Bids for Connection on Team Dynamics
Incorporating Dr. Gottman’s concept of bids for connection into leadership practices can transform the way leaders interact with their teams. By recognizing and responding to these bids, leaders build stronger relationships, foster a positive work culture, and ultimately lead their teams to greater success.
And in today’s fast-paced, often stressful work environments, the simple act of acknowledging a bid for connection can make all the difference in creating a more connected, motivated, and effective team. I’ve yet to meet a leader who’s not interested in building a team like that!
